Memorial Day and the unofficial kickoff to summer are four weeks from today. Which means every magazine and online advertising property geared toward women is running some near-hysterics version of OMG ARE YOU READY TO INFLICT YOUR BIKINI CLAD BOD ON AN UNSUSPECTING POPULATION?

That’s how marketing works. It creates the need in your mind, and then rushes to help you fill it. With juice cleanses, and bootcamps, and slimming panels, and magazine articles.

Lately, I’ve been seeing more sensible women posting a two-step program to a bikini body. It goes like this:

Step One. Buy a bikini.

Step Two. Put it on your body.

I like and applaud that approach, but it’s still not addressing the real problem, which is: people want to feel unself-conscious in a bathing suit (bikini or no). They want to feel that they will not be judged.

Here’s the thing.

Everybody gets judged in a bathing suit.

You get judged for being too heavy. Too skinny. Too old for the style you’re wearing. For being so lame as to wear whatever the hot style is right now. For not having style, period.

People will judge if you’re wearing a bathing suit clearly meant to hide as much of your body as possibly. They’ll also judge you if they suspect that you’re actually proud of your body, and accuse you of trying to flaunt it.

Here’s my one step program to get you bikini ready by Memorial Day:

Stop caring what other people think. Your body is none of their damn business.

The truth is, the vast majority of people will not judge. They’re too busy posturing for other people, or playing with their kids, or enjoying the sunshine, or worrying about how they look in their own bathing suits.

Some will think snide things, sure. But much like how your body is none of their business, the kneejerk reactions that occur in their brains are really none of yours.

Let it go.

Very rarely, some jerk might actually go so far as to voice that kneejerk thought out loud. This is a reflection on them and their poor manners, not on you, and here’s what I want it to mean to you. I want you to hear it and think, wow. Your opinion means jack to me. I don’t even know you, dude.

I want you to laugh delightedly. And I want you to say, THANK YOU, with a slight lilt of surprise, as if they had just complimented a new haircut that you secretly love or a pair of awesome shoes that make you walk the goddess walk.

Because they have just driven home to you the reminder that your opinion of your body is what matters.

Then turn and walk away and go on with your life. Let it go.

Practice it in a mirror. Imagine it in your mind. (Actually getting to use it is like the best feeling ever. I’ve been there.)

It leaves the ill-mannered buffoon in question confused, feeling as if they’ve said something wrong (which clearly, they have).

VERY rarely, you’ll get a guy who pulls it together in time and manages to hurl a followup at your back. Throw him a smile over your shoulder, if you feel like it. All he’s done is let everyone else within earshot know what an ass he is and what a poor job his parents did raising him.

Worrying about how others perceive your personal appearance gives them power over you they do not deserve. That they have not earned.

(Worrying about your health is a different story. That’s between you and you, and you know it.)

So go ahead and rock that bathing suit. Or don’t; that’s fine too. Again, the bathing suit is just something we’re marketed; unless you’re planning to go for an epic swim for time, something else would work just as well. Wear a sundress, if you really want. Whatever makes you feel comfortable and good. Whatever won’t get in your way so you can have a good time. Wear it with confidence and a smile, the best accessories a girl can have. (Fun shoes are nice too though.)

It might take some practice, getting used to the idea that your perception of your own beauty is what matters. Luckily, you’ve got four weeks to get it down pat.

Don’t measure your worth, your happiness, your attractiveness, your confidence, your self-discipline, your anything by how you look in a two-piece. Seriously, when you stop to think about it, how dumb is that anyway? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

And for god’s sake stop clicking on bikini-ready ab workouts and buying magazines that scream “Lose 10 pounds by Memorial Day.”

Stop feeding the marketing machine and maybe we won’t have to go through this nonsense next year.

Maybe, if they never see us worrying about it, our daughters won’t have to go through it at all.

This past Sunday I ran the Shamrock n Roll 5K in Newark Delaware. It was sort of a last minute decision— registration closed the Thursday before, I glanced at the weather for Saturday and it was forecasting 60 degrees. Woohoo! Sounds good to me.

Turns out I’m an idiot and can’t read a calendar.

The race was SUNDAY and the high that day 40 degrees. Insert sad trombone. (Plus if it had been Saturday I’d have been perhaps “lucky” enough to see the infamous display of dumpster love that took place. Ahh, UD, keeping it classy.)

Two days before— Friday— I went to my Rivfit class at CrossFit Riverfront. I don’t have a photo of that workout, even though I had my phone right next to me recording my heart rate info. That’s how you know how freaking wiped I was by the time I was finished.

Here’s the heart rate data (pulled from my iPhone app, synced to an Armour 39 device I was sent by Under Armour). This is a pretty typical result for me, which means either I’m working hard or I’m about to have a heart attack.

Anyway, the workout. First we had to do a tabata of pushups: 20 seconds work, 10 seconds rest, 8 times. Then it was 15 minutes worth of progressive rounds of jump squats (squat, then jump up) and slam ball deadlifts (start with ball on ground, squat, stand lifting ball up to standing chest height, then back down to ground and repeat).

If I’d taken a picture of the board it would look something like this:

I think. I might be off with the 15 as the starting number. This is why I usually take a picture of the board.

Jump squats are killer. You look at 20 jump squats and only 15 minutes and think it’s not going to be so bad. Then about 7 minutes in, realizing you’re only halfway through, you want to lie down and be taken home on a stretcher. Add in the deadlifts and I basically did 300+ squats in 15 minutes, most of them weighted.

On Saturday my legs had turned into two tons of petrified wood. They only hurt if you touched my quads. If you touched my quads I involuntarily screamed bloody murder.

On Sunday it wasn’t as bad, stiff mostly, but getting out of bed was work. Putting on clothes was work.

But there are a limited number of days in the year when it’s socially acceptable to wear shamrock socks, dangit, and I wasn’t about to miss out.

Jeff drove me to the starting line and I decided against any mile/time tracking. I was just going to run easy, make the best of it. I thought a time of 35 minutes would be acceptable given my complete and utter lack of training.

The course was pretty flat and wound through a residential area, an out and back. I felt more comfortable going at a pretty quick pace then plodding along and passed a number of people in green shirts and leprechaun costumes. I kept that up for about a mile and a half, then hit a hill. Decided to walk the hill, take it easy for a bit as my ankles were starting to complain, then run the last bit in hard to finish strong.

My quads didn’t feel bad at all. Maybe it was the below freezing temps.

At mile 2 my right foot started to go numb.

At mile 2.5ish my left toes started to go numb too. The right was almost completely numb by this point.

And… that was that. Afraid of landing wrong on unfeeling feet and hurting myself, I walked the rest of the course. 5K in a frustrating as hell 37:49.

Putting that in perspective, the fastest women’s time was a little over 20 minutes; my fastest 5K time ever was 31:28. Given that I walked the last mile, that time isn’t awful; I’m pretty sure I’d have made 35 minutes if I’d kept running at least a little of it.

The point is I DIDN’T and I’m not sure what happened and if it’s fixable for next time. Possible culprits, according to Dr Google:

• Sheer impact. The fact that I haven’t run at all since last September, other than short sprints on a cushioned gym floor, means my feets just aren’t used to stress of pounding pavenment.
• Shoes. I’ve run in these shoes many times before without issue, but I’ve switched to more minimal types since then. Could be the heavier weight, maybe they’re ready to be retired, maybe they were laced too tight and when my feet started swelling circulation was cut off.
• Some sort of nerve problem. This is worst case scenario. Repeated impact is hitting and damaging a nerve in my foot.
• Tightness/contraction of other leg muscles. Um, this would certainly make sense.

By a happy miracle, my friend Penny found me at the finish line as I was massaging feeling back into my poor feets. I walked to the hosting bar with her and her friend and claimed my celebratory Michelob Ultra Light.

Pics, no matter how unflattering, or it didn’t happen

Many days and many hours of foam rolling later, I’m feeling fully recovered from the experience but ohmigod. In retrospect it was such a bad idea gift wrapped in a comedy of errors.

Want to totally jack up your body
AND have a humbling race experience?

Here’s how NOT to run your first 5K of the year:

• Who needs training? Forget Couch to 5K, I’m going from bed to starting line.
• Breakfast? Hydration? Pshaw. I can hydrate when I’m dead.
• Warm up? Nah, I’ll have hubby drop me off at the starting line and then fiddle with my playlist instead of getting some blood flowing in my legs.
• HAH! Oh yeah, my legs. They’re totally trashed. I’m walking like a toy soldier, but sure, I’m totally cool to run. Nothing better than a 5K with no training on wasted legs after inadequate recovery time.
• Start out fast! As fast as you can go! No need to pace yourself. You’ll totally have something left in the tank in spite of your lack of fuel, training and motivation.

Right. So to recap, I am dumb, and I’ll be starting over with Couch to 5K like a good girl.

But I did it, and 37:49 is an easy enough time to improve on, and starting is the hardest part, right? Nowhere to go but up!

Wearing:
CrossFit hoodie (with thumbholes!) sent to me by Reebok,
YMX by Yellowman dragon shorts (doesn’t look like they carry them anymore, sorry, find yer own booty shorts),
Pro Compression Shamrock socks, Wave Riders sent to me by Mizuno 2 years ago. 16s I think? 

Jeff via text: “Why are you the only one wearing booty shorts?” Answer: I hate hate hate being aware of my shorts or the feeling of sweat running down my leg under capris or leggings. It’s got to be Siberia outside for me to run in anything but short shorts.

Tell me about your running so far this year…
or your feelings about short shorts…

or about something that, in retrospect,
was not your smartest hour.

Ever experience tingling/numbness on a run?

This is my dad.

My dad was a wonderful person.

My dad was thoughtful and intelligent and kind.

My dad was a stubborn SOB and it killed him.

My dad never saw a doctor about suspicious symptoms. I assume it was because he was afraid.

I’ll never know, because when the cancer in his body metastasized and quickly swept his body he hid from me, believing he had a flu he couldn’t shake and saying he didn’t want to get my kids sick. Telling us to stay away. When I saw him a few weeks later he had lost a ton of weight, he was moaning in pain, he couldn’t get to the bathroom a few yards away. We called an ambulance to take him to the hospital a block away, where they pumped him full of morphine.

He never said another coherent word to me, other than to apologize for being so out of it. He barely resembled the father I knew from just a few weeks before; so frail and skeletal.

He died less than 48 hours later, alone in the ER. His brother, my uncle, had run to the phone to call us and tell us to come quickly, there wasn’t much time.

Cancer took my father and I’m still mad as hell about it. He should still be here. He should be cheering my daughter on at soccer games, playing guitar with my oldest, talking metaphysics with Maverick. He should have been at my brother’s wedding, he should be reading Dr Seuss to my brother’s two beautiful little girls.

It started as colon cancer, we were told, but by the time he died it was everywhere.

It didn’t have to be that way.

One in 20 people are affected by colon cancer. It’s the 3rd most commonly diagnosed form of cancer in the US and the 2nd leading cause of cancer death in the US for men and women combined.

But colon cancer is often beatable when detected and treated in its early stages. It’s preventable. Polyps can be removed before they even develop into cancer.

What You Need to Know About Colon Cancer:
#ColonCancerACC Chat on 3/20

My husband Jeff suffers from ulcerative colitis, which can involve symptoms like those involved in colon cancer (persistent stomachaches, cramps and bloating, rapid weight loss, constant fatigue, bloody bowel movements). His heightened risk of developing the cancer that stole my father scares the living hell out of me, and the kids and I have the elevated risk associated with family history.

Unlike my dad, because of my dad, I can’t ignore facts out of fear, so I’ll be tuning into a Twitter chat this week as Penn Medicine and the Abramson Cancer Center discuss colon cancer, prevention, and the factors that increase your risk. If this touches your life at all, I hope you’ll check it out too— or share with someone who might benefit from the information.

It’s happening on Thursday, March 20 from noon to 1 pm EST, hashtag #ColonCancerACC.

Panelists will include:

1. Timothy C. Hoops, MD, Director, Gastrointestinal Cancer Risk Evaluation Program at the Abramson Cancer Center
2. Gregory G. Ginsberg, MD, Director Endoscopic Services at Penn Medicine
3. Ursina Teitelbaum, MD, Medical Oncologist specializing in GI cancer at the Abramson Cancer Center
4. Skandan Shanmugan, MD, Colon and Rectal Surgeon specialized in minimally invasive surgery for benign and malignant disease

If you don’t have any risk factors for colon cancer, you should start being screened at age 50. With my family history I should schedule my first colonoscopy by 40. I think my brother has erred on the side of caution and already begun. Jeff should go every year or every other, depending on his doctor’s assessment.

Colon cancer rates have dropped by 30% for people over 50 in the US over the last decade, and we have colonoscopy screenings to thank for that.

Colonoscopies save lives. I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

Penn Medicine Facebook Page / Twitter @PennMedicine
Penn Cancer Facebook Page / Twitter @PennCancer

I’m seeing murmurings of people preparing for Spartan Race 2014 and realized I never posted about my 2013 Spartan Race: the Citizen’s Bank Park Spartan Sprint.

It was pretty much the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve gone through 3 natural childbirths.

And I loved it. Even while I was hating it. While scaling the last obstacle before the finish line, I was already thinking about how to prepare for next time.

Now, Spartan bills the Sprint race as being doable for anyone. But then they also turn around and say:

An obstacle course race is designed to test your resilience, strength, stamina, quick decision making skills, and ability to laugh in the face of adversity. We want to own obstacle racing and our unique obstacle course trail races will demand every ounce of your strength, ingenuity, and animal instinct.

which is somewhat intimidating, yeah? Hopefully reading through this recap of Spartan Race obstacles will help diffuse some of that intimidation.

My official stance: anyone can finish Spartan Sprint if they are capable of stringing together 30 burpees without wanting to die, and are not terribly concerned about their time. I didn’t do all the obstacles, and for each one I missed I did the 30 burpees. So the best way to prepare, frankly, is lots and lots of burpees. The upside to that is— burpees make you strong, and that upper body strength will go a long way with the obstacles.

The four of us took forever. We started as a team, we waited for each other, and we crossed the finish line as a team, and I was very pleased about that. For us it was more than a run, it was a group experience, something we did together.

With Andrea, who I’ve known since grade school

This was a stadium run, so we knew there would be no mud or water involved. It started off by going up several stories via the ramp; cords had been zigged and zagged across, first about waist high, then lower.

I bear crawled at first like a champ (bear crawl is like going on hands and knees, only straight leg, butt down), scurrying up that ramp under the cords. Then there was a few feet of space before you hit the lower cords (meant to be stepped or jumped over).

First bit of advice: when traveling at a speedy momentum up an incline, it’s best to slow down before attempting to stand up. 

I totally bought it one minute into the damn race, my momentum hurtling me forward as I tried to stand upright while still running. Luckily I caught myself in time to take all the weight on my hands, and I was already wearing my gloves (I didn’t know what else to do with them).

I didn’t scrape my knees and palms, I didn’t faceplant, but I did bang my wrist a bit and more importantly I was thoroughly shaken and feeling a bit stupid. I took it much easier the rest of the way up the ramp.

After that there was cement blocks on pulleys which had to be hoisted way up and brought gently back down. Easy peasy and one of my favorite obstacles of the day.

500 meter row in two minutes. Done. Thank you, CrossFit Riverfront.

Then in no particular order:

• a series of walls, from 6 feet to 8 or 9 feet, I’m not sure. The higher ones had a little step about the size of a brick built in, which were enough of a launchpad that I was able to scale them all, but my hips were seriously bruised the next day. Some walls had windows cut through the top half that you had to go through.
• monkey bars. They were not level and not evenly spaced, and not every bar went all the way across. I got a little more than halfway done and my hand just slipped off one of the peg bars. My first set of 30 burpees.
• stairs. Lots and lots of stairs. Up the stairs, down the stairs.
• Weaving across sections of seats.
• More corded ramps.
• Bunny hop up two ramps with a thick resistance band around ankles. Most people kind of just walked it. My second piece of advice is to just do the bunny hop. It’s just as easy and takes way less time.
• Carrying a filled water jug, more weaving across sections of seats.
• Carrying a sand filled “pancake,” maybe about 15  pounds? Not terribly heavy. More weaving and stairs.

Kelly, Christian and I are pancake carrying champs.

• Slam balls. 30 sounds right, I believe it was a 20 pound weight for the ladies.
• Javelin throw. I had asked Jeff to fashion me a spear so I could practice throwing it at the bales of hay in the park, but we never got around to it. I’ve never thrown a javelin before. I totally overestimated and it went sailing up and over. 30 burpee penalty.
• Carrying a cement filled bucket a short distance, doing some burpees (5? 10? Can’t remember) and then bringing it back.
• 40 jumps with a heavy jump rope. I rather enjoyed this one, enough that I went ahead and bought my own heavy rope (an outdoor Muscle Rope jump rope).

• Rope climb. I’ve never climbed a rope before either, and this was the obstacle I was most worried about; I was afraid I’d get to the top and be paralyzed there. Turns out I was worried about nothing because I couldn’t figure out how to scale the damn rope. 30 burpee penalty.

Tip #3: prep for the rope climb by watching this awesome rope climbing tutorial video and reading this post from one of our FitFluential Ambassadors, Parkour trainer Ryan Ford.

Now we were in the locker rooms and presumably the homestretch!

30 hand release pushups (chest all the way down to the floor, hands off the ground, then push back up).

Short photo break in the dugout.

30 box jumps.

More walls. These were an easily manageable 6 feet.

After the walls there was an open stretch to run on the infield before the next obstacle. I thought FOR SURE there was a camera trained here and I ran that sucker as fast as I could, slowing to a walk as I huffed and puffed and turned the corner.

Turns out, THAT’S where the camera was.

A sort of long horizontal rock climbing wall. I lost my footing and slipped off. 30 burpee penalty.

A “V” wall. When I did my first obstacle race I thought these were scary because they sway as each person grabs on and jumps off, but they’re old hat by now.

And then the literal homestretch, through the gladiator gauntlet.

I look like I’m dancing. Like a moron.

And that’s that, man. We did it. And if we can, so can you.

It was pretty badass. Like my socks.

A couple more tips:

If you check your bag, it costs 5 bucks but you get a $5 credit for any merchandise. They put a band on your bag and a matching one on your wrist. Tip #4: don’t cut off and throw away the band before you remember to redeem it for merch.

Tip #5: you can totally try some of the obstacles more than once. The javelin is one-shot-only, and I never would have made the rope climb, but I probably would have managed the monkey bars and rock climbing wall if I’d tried again.

Tip #6: don’t be afraid to ask for help, from team members or anyone else. I helped hoist a couple of people over walls, and I accepted a shoulder coming down off one of the high ones. The rope climb in particular was full of strangers helping each other and cheering each other on. This support is part of what makes obstacle runs particularly fulfilling.

Tip #7: do the burpees, kids. On your honor. I saw plenty of people blow the burpees off and it didn’t make any sense to me. You paid for this race, why not do the whole thing? I would feel cheated if I didn’t run it as intended, and that means a physical/time penalty for each uncompleted obstacle.

Tip #8, I guess, would be to wear close-fitting, sweat-wicking clothing so you’re not dying of heat but also not flashing anyone (lots of opportunities for that). I was really grateful to have been wearing the gloves, and my knee highs definitely protected my shins more than once.

I’m wearing Reebok shorts and shoes here (RealFlex which were sent to me by Reebok). I saw this weekend that Reebok just unveiled a new line of all-terrain shoes “built Spartan strong”— I haven’t tried these but they look pretty cool, and are designed with obstacle racing in mind (good traction, rock guards, drainage ports).

One last tip: sign up today, and start training now!

Yes, it was hard, I’m not gonna lie. Much harder than finishing the Merrell Down and Dirty Mud Run and a world away from Dirty Girl.

It was also hugely, hugely satisfying. DO IT. Join us in Philadelphia!

Photos showing the Spartan logo were taken by Spartan Race and were FREE, which is awesome.

The rest were taken by Andrea’s boyfriend Chris, who is also awesome.

This post contains some links to affiliated companies. I point them out as I go.

I’m going nuts impatiently waiting for the weather to warm. I own exactly two pairs of jeans that fit, and only one is skinny enough to be worn with boots (an unfortunate necessity with the constant snow and ice). I’ve made up for fashion boredom with unicorn hair, but in the next month or so I’ll go back to boring (easy maintenance) hair and ramp up the clothing.

Life’s too short to not have fun with what you’re wearing.

Fashion should be a form of escapism,
and not a form of imprisonment.

-Alexander McQueen

Two things keep me going these last weeks of winter: seed catalogs and fashion magazines. Hope strings eternal.

These are just a few of the things that have caught my eye this week and are making me crazy excited for springtime to come:

These Kate Spade Izzie heels in Tiffany blue.

I’ve never owned Kate Spade anything— she’s not quite my bag— but I would wear these until they fell off. Pure confection.

I hope every bride in the world goes down the aisle in these things as their something blue.

These Lorna Jane Charlotte tights.

The site refers to “wet look” panels; I think we all know we’re talking pleather. But that bit of detail makes  these tights polished and totally elevated  to street-worthy.

They could be worn with sneakers, heels or boots, and I know from experience that Lorna Jane tights are awesomely comfortable and flattering.

Tutus for days.

My friend MizFitOnline reminded me that I am in need of tutus. There is no resisting a swishy skirt.

I love about 90% of what is offered at Pettiskirt Style but right now I’m really feeling the black-on-ivory. Some girls might want to dress like Swan Lake… me, I want to capture the dancing ostriches in Fantasia.

I need all the TOMs.

Zulily (that’s an affiliate link, I make a bit of moneys if you sign up) is running a deal on TOMs and I can’t decide which ones I need most. Halp me. Seriously, tell me in the comments which one you like best. Within the next 24 hours.

Zulily is a fashion deal site that I actually unsubscribed from because I couldn’t take the constant temptation; I only know about this one because so many people posted about it on Facebook. They have WONDERFUL deals on kids’ apparel.

I’m not even going to show you the kid TOMs, they’re too cute to handle.

Oh, OK, you twisted my arm.

We’re All Mad Here

I’m a sucker for Wonderland inspired clothing and photography. I love everything about this Shabby Apple outfit: the Victorian lace, the insane skirt that somehow evokes Caterpillar, OMG THAT TEA SET. TAKE ALL MY MONEY AND GIVE ME THAT TEA SET.

Can this be the season we bring hats back? Please?

I see about five I would happily rock over at Anthropologie, but this one especially has a hold on my heart.

And this beanie feels like a must-have seasonal transition piece.

Train Like a Freak: bringing sexy back

I am hooked on sports bras with complicated backs, but not quite brave enough to be going around in just my bra. This sweatshirt from TLF Apparel (Train Like a Freak) is all gym business in the front, and a complicated-strap-revealing party in the back.

TLF is a client of FitFluential, and they sent me this top to try out. (I’m wearing it tonight and will let you know what I think.) Their line has tanks with complicated backs that I covet and is just generally pretty badass— reasonably priced, too.

Rock the Shamrock

I (clearly) already own these, but St Patrick’s Day is fast approaching! Time to rock the shamrock and get ready for my first 5K of the season. These are from Pro Compression (another FitFluential client, I bought these with my own hardearned cash money and sadly earn nothing for referrals) and are the Sock of the Month, meaning they are 40% off (use code CLOVER).

Get you some, but be quick about it, they sell out of the SOM quickly.

That’s not it, not even close, but I need to stop sometime.

What’s catching your eye fashion-wise right now?